Let’s start with an open and honest admission; I didn’t realize how bad my RSD was until I thought about writing this post. I can honestly say that my RSD screwed me over at my current job.
Here’s the story:
Some months ago, my then boss informed the entire team our current roles would cease to exist and would migrate towards a more managing of managed services partners and would no longer be technical. As I am always very hesitant to change, this was a hard nut to swallow. I stated I still wanted some technical challenges, since I loved those in my current role. As it was then explained to me, there wouldn’t be technical options, it would be an administrative role mainly. I freaked out, but a possible solution offered to me was to move sideways, to the software team. I would be able to still do technical things, more CI/CD oriented. I was very hesitant, but I agreed to give it a try. I was afraid I would not be able to do the job, that I would not be able to learn the new technologies, that I would not be able to keep up with the rest of the team. I was afraid I would fail, I felt more fear for the other role.
The inbetween time meant I had two roles, two bosses, we had a management change, and the original new role changed a little as well. Our new manager started to ease all of us into the new management roles, and I felt it might become a good role for me even though I was so deadly afraid at first. But I now had two bosses, two roles and was in between everything at once. I was very stressed out, and I was not able to focus on my old role or my new one. I tried to please both bosses, but their expectations were different, and I was not able to meet them. I was not able to focus on my new role, and I was not able to focus on my old role. I started to feel worse and worse.
I regretted not stating I felt pulled towards the DO role, and less towards the software role. When I finally voiced it, it was too late. Now I feel like I’ve gotten a demotion, stuck in a place where my carreer can whittle and die.
But here’s where everything just blew up and ended it all.
I finally vocalized my feelings, first to Boss 1 and then separately HR and finally HR with Boss 2. During my talk with HR and Boss 2 everything just went hell. I completely shut down, wasn’t able to say anything sensible and constantly tried to hold back tears. This is when I realized RSD was screwing me over and I couldn’t stop it anymore. I was told I was not a good fit for the role. I was told they didn’t see me as having the capability to do strategic planning or long term thinking. While I agree up to a certain point, I also feel that everyone else is giving the option, I lost mine.
I spent the next days constantly crying, fell sick physically, and was not able to do anything. I was not able to focus on anything, and could only think of one solution; quitting.
Now here’s what happened without my head.
I freaked out because of a change, but I had to roll with it. In going with the flow, I began to relax and recognized I might be a good fit given some time to do this new role, but because I am a people pleaser, I was unable to decline the software role. I just can’t straight up say “No, thank you” because I will sense the expected ‘Yes’ and I will comply. This is not a conscious process, it happens all on its own and I generally don’t see it until it is too late.
The situation was aggrevated because I do better in English and non-physical meetings, at least that keeps the RSD more at bay. All my meetings with Boss 2 and HR were face to face and in Dutch; I just screwed myself over. And now I can only cry and run like hell. I am not able to face them anymore, I am not able to face the team anymore. I am not able to face myself anymore.
Now I am still waiting for my official diagnoses ADHD, which in Belgium takes forever. But I have - due to this shit with my job - made an appointment with my GP, I just can’t take it anymore.